You are probably thinking - Deb, you just now figured out that you are deaf in one ear??? Truth is, I've been SSD for nearly 11 months now. But, for some reason, I am just now getting around to realizing it and dealing with it. Probably has to do with the fact that I have been pretty busy dealing with the lazy face issues for the last 11 months...
So, this weekend, Willie and I headed into NYC for a much-deserved getaway. Lovely cool spring weather made it a perfect City weekend. We headed down to the Village Friday and bellied up to our favorite oyster bar for oysters, clams and Sancerre; then headed to a new place for Peruvian tapas (cebiche and salad - fabulous!) Walked back to our hotel (about 3 miles) after dinner, a stroll down memory lane for me.
Saturday night we met up with my dear friends Kura and Ellen at a little Italian joint in the east 20's. Planned to arrive early hoping to beat the noise. Pizza Margarita, downy-soft gnocchi and pinto grigio - all devine. What was less than devine was the noise level which escalated to the predictable full-tilt level by mid-way through dinner. Not surprisingly, I had to lean, tilt and crane to get even part of the conversation, which became exhausting and frustrating. By the end of dinner, which I capped off with Vin Santo and biscotti, my nerves were frayed and I felt ready to burst into tears. It is so incredibly frustrating not to be able to hear well - and worse to be able to hear the person sitting three tables away, but not the person sitting right across from me. It is so weird how certain tones carry and others just get lost in the noise. I still find it very exhausting to listen in these environments. And, I find that I get annoyed with my own inability to hear all that is being said.
And, oddly enough, I think I am having a little delayed grieving for my lost hearing! Sort of strange when you think about the time that has passed, but I suppose I have been so consumed with all of the facial paralysis issues that I just didn't take time to deal with the SSD thing.
In any event, not withstanding the noise/hearing issues last night, it was a good weekend with lots of good food and fresh air. The animals (Carrie, Phoebe and Rocket) were excited to see us when we arrived home, and now they are all napping with Willie while I sit here in my cozy little office.
I've got a loaf of bread on its second rise and planning a dinner of spring veggies and fresh bread. Yum.
I know oh so well what the sense of loss and the delay in realising just how much one misses it. The frustration of noisy places, missed conversations, isolation in the middle of people, the sadness of not being the same and not being able to be part of the same social life we are used to. Oh yes, know too well really. Only thing is, we deal with it in our own ways and make ourselves a new life, a different way of doing what we always did. And things go on from there.
ReplyDeleteYes, it is incredibly frustrating at times, isn't it? I find myself wanting to stomp my feet and cry and scream - of course, that would be unseemly at my age but it is still tempting! The saving grace is having such a great support group of other AN friends who really do know exactly what I am feeling and experiencing. And an unfailingly patient husband...:)
ReplyDeleteAt some stage I found myself nodding and smiling inanely so much and often that I just stopped. I did decided at some point to just let people know, loudly, that I couldn't hear a thing. Numerous times I just walked out of situations. I gave up on image and just went for the jugular instead. I lost count of the meetings I started shouting at to let them know they all sounded like a bunch of babbling Italian women. Of course, those kind of meetings are pointless anyway, but it was fun to say it! :) Like you, I find great comfort in knowing you are all there and we can share this. It's unlike anything else I have in my life! Other than Sheila, she has the patience of a saint.
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