Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Why Shampooing Can Be Dangerous...

We have cats. And, being cats, they like to toss out the occasional hairball, usually in a place that has the highest visibility or is the most heavily trafficked by human feet. So, one of our angels barfed up a hairball on the stairs (carpeted in off white, need I say more?) I carefully teetered on the stairs and used a little carpet shampoo-er to clean up the spot. Returned the Little Green Machine to it's home in the upstairs closet and then proceeded back down to go about my day. One minute I'm on the steps heading down and the next minute I'm on my back heading down. You see the problem, right?

So here is a note to my self... NEVER wear rubber soled flip flops on wet stairs. N E V E R. No bones broken, but my dignity took quite a beating, and look like I've gone a couple of rounds in a boxing ring.

How's your day?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Genetic Stapling

I am going to start by apologizing to my hubby - sorry, babe, I couldn't resist.

We've recently moved my in-laws to a new home in a new state, which involved packing up their worldly possessions. What we came to realize is that my mother-in-law really likes staples. I mean she REALLY likes staples. So sorting through her paperwork has involved pulling a lot of staples out of clumps of papers. We've kidded her about it and accused her of never meeting two pieces of paper that didn't deserve to be stapled together.

So, we all had some laughs and life goes on. Right? Well, maybe not... Last week I was overcome with an urge to clean up some of our old files. I decided to start with bank statements from 10 years ago. What I quickly remembered is that my hubs (love you tons, honey) likes to save ALL the old ATM receipts. And, let's face it, there is NO reason on earth to save ATM receipts for years. And, not just save them, but staple them to each other and to the bank statements - with HUNDREDS of staples. I sprained all of my fingers and broke three staple removers ... and that only got me as far as 2007.

Yes, folks, apparently stapling is hereditary, some sort of strange gene mutation. I only hope it's not contagious.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

What Happened to Me?

I used to be cool. Before my hubs swept me off my feet and moved to the Jersey "burbs," I lived in Mid-town. (Manhattan, of course, because it's the epicenter of cool.) I still retained my essence of coolness out here in the wilds of Jersey. I dressed in "cool" country-chic. Well, okay, I dressed in Levi's, but still...

Then along came this annoying brain tumor and I ended up with a funky eye that doesn't make any tears. Hence the globs of goo in my eye at all times. All the goo creates a hell of a glare, so bright light really hurts the peeper. Sun glasses are a must. So, I quickly purchased prescription sunglasses, but it got incredibly annoying constantly switching between regular and sun glasses. Then, one day, in a fit of utter madness, I went online (because it'd be too embarrassing in person) and ordered ... Fitovers. Yes, you know what I'm talking about. This is what the seniors in Florida wear.

I've tried my best to make these cool, but no matter how I cut it, I look like a bug with giant shiny eyes. I'm terrifying. I am wondering if I should dye my hair blue. What the Hell happened to me, and has anyone seen my "cool?"