Poopy Days

I've been going through a rough patch the last few weeks and I've been trying to pinpoint exactly why it has been rough. What I've come up with is that I probably haven't done an excellent job of accepting that some of what I go through on a daily basis may very well be permanent. Yes, intellectually I knew that I was deaf in one ear, and that my balance might not get completely back to "normal" and that my face would take up to several years to get wherever it's going. But, I don't think I necessarily understood the emotional implications of some of that. So, I am going to take the next couple of blog posts to try to "talk it out."

I can't promise that this will be very entertaining, but it will hopefully help me sort through things. Read if you want, comment if you feel so inclined.

I think I'll talk first about balance. I fell twice this week. In both cases, I know what happened but it was still startling to find myself on the ground. Most of what I've read suggests that I am at the point where my brain should have adjusted about as well to the disequilibrium as it's going to. And, I don't have anywhere near the balance challenges that many do following this surgery. What seems to happen to me is that if I move too quickly, for example get up out of chair and take a step all at the same time, my brain just can't keep up with my body and I end up having to catch myself. Likewise, if I bend over too quickly, down I go.

It's a little embarrassing to stumble in public and I need to get over that. And, I am going to need to change the way I move sometimes. I have always moved at a very fast speed (just ask my ever-patient husband who has been telling me to "slow down" for years) and it is going to take me some time to adjust my speed to my capability. And, that pisses me off. Yep, I admit it - I am feeling angry.

The first time I fell this week was last weekend, when Willie was away racing. I was going down the driveway to check the mail, heard a noise and quickly swiveled around to see if I could tell what the noise was and where it might be coming from. Bad move. I did the normal Acoustic Neuroma stagger, stepped into the lawn and completely lost my balance and went down. I certainly wasn't hurt, but in that moment when I knew I was falling, I was scared. I had that quick flash of thinking, what if I hurt myself, who will find me, will I lay here the rest of the weekend, etc. A simple thing like walking shouldn't be frightening.

The next time I fell, I was rushing around the house, as usual, saw something on the ground, bent over and ended up on my hand and knees on the floor. Anyone reading this who's had balance problems will totally relate to this. Most of the time, I can find some humor in it, but this week it hasn't felt all that funny to me.

I hate staggering in public. It makes me feel like I need to explain myself, and that would entail getting into some big long diatribe about why I am staggering which I just don't want to do. And, I am at the point where I really don't know if I am going to get much better which means I have to deal with this. Grrr.

Walking in the dark is a whole other challenge. I now have a route mapped out to get to and from the bathroom at night - it involves never being more than a foot from a wall or some other very stable object that I can hang onto. Turns out that when you no longer have a vestibular nerve, your brain relies much more heavily on vision to keep the body balanced. Not surprisingly, when you can't see, you are much more likely to tip over. Gee, isn't this fun?

The bright spot is that I suspect that if I can ever stop using so much gel and stuff in my right eye my balance may improve a bit too. The reality is that I can't really see much from my right eye most of the time, which makes it harder to balance. More on that later.

Well, this is probably a good place to stop. To those who are still reading, thanks for letting me rant.