Okay, so time to back up a bit and talk about flying. No, not the kind you do in your dreams, but kind where you are squished into a very small seat and are propelled through the air at about 400 miles per hour, all the while sharing germs with every other passenger on board. Yes, I compare it to flying in a petri dish.
Think about it. A few weeks ago I boarded a flight from Newark to Seattle, flight time 6 hours. There were NO empty seats on the aircraft. And, is it me, or are they making the seats even smaller and closer together now? Honestly, my knees were pressed into the back of the seat in front of me. I wondered if I should compliment the guy in that seat on his nice spine.
Okay, so about the petri dish reference...once the pilot cranks up the engine and "closes the main cabin door" you start breathing recycled air. Yep, recycled as in - it contains everyone else's germs. In my case, I was actually seated next to Patient Zero - hacking and sneezing the entire 6 hours. No surprise when I got sick 4 days later, was it? In the old days, I might have been able to move to a seat a little farther from the epicenter of the petri dish, but in this case, short of breaking into the pilot's cabin, I was just plain screwed.
So this got me to wondering, should we demand mandatory masks for everyone flying? Should we all be issued our own little private oxygen tents? And, while we are at it, can we please require that every passenger pass a "Proper Boarding Exam"? You know who I am talking about. The neophyte traveler who insists on standing right in the middle of the aisle while he/she rearranges everything in the overhead bin - while other passengers are stacking up behind him/her. I think that you should only be allowed one slip-up on this particular issue - if you are a chronic aisle blocker, no flying for you!! In fact, you will be required to attend "Remedial Passenger Boarding Classes." So there. And while I am on a roll - no egg salad sandwiches on the plane, please! They stink up the whole surrounding area of the petri dish.
So, what do you think - what else would make flying better?
Interesting, I always considered it as flying in a test tube. With germs needless to say. Perfect breeding ground for science experiments, and to test all sorts of human resistance to new designer bugs. I found that inhaling saline solution helps with the killing of said germs, only problem being that on a 12 hour flight from here to over there, my nose was pickled. Literally. I couldn't smell much for a few days. Fortunately, I am of shortish stature, so all I felt was the plastic of the seat in front, not the actual human spine. That would have been a little disconcerting to say the least. Not to mention that the moron in front persisted in shoving his seat back and thus embedding my dinner into my stomach from the outside, not the usual dinner route. If I had felt his spine, he would probably have sued me for assault. Certainly that was one thought that crossed my mind. But the worst are the people who just don't know how to behave in culinary terms. Who in his right mind brings on board a packets of cheddar and salt chips, thus stinking out the entire tube for the 12 hour duration? I had added perfume to the salt I was inhaling by then! The rest, bodily odours, unspeakable noises / odours, not so fresh socks, newspaper spanning a three seat aisle, luggage shoved under and over the seats, constant up and down from the toilets, mind numbing movies, shaking to rival an bus trip in rural Ireland... I could go on. Needless to say, I did like the pope, once we landed: I kissed the ground. Not because I'm a nervous passenger, but because I thought I was going to die of boredom and noise / smell / germ exposure!
ReplyDeleteThis is a great topic! I carry antibacterial wipes on board and wipe down the armrests, tray, and seatbelts. Before eating, I use one on my hands. Natalia took a flight to Austria this summer. She told me that she sat bolt upright the whole time because the guy behind her yelled at her when she tried to recline her seat. It was NOT a fun flight. I sat between two drunks on a flight from San Francisco to Atlanta in January. That was also NOT a fun flight. I love to watch the people who try to squeeze an enormous bag into the overhead bins. Maybe there should be IQ tests in order to fly.
ReplyDeleteAh, this is obviously a subject near and daer to the hearts of many! Lorenzo - couldn't agree with you more about the culinary ettiquette. Add stinky cheese (which I love in public places - not so much on an aircraft or train cabin) and onions! WHAT are people thinking???
ReplyDeleteLorri - I had my little container of Purell at hand during both flights, but next time I am also going to bring a packet of wipes - what a great idea!
And, YES to the IQ test for ALL passengers. I only wish to fly with people who have passed the culinary and boarding ettiquette test! And don't even get me started on the bathroom etiquette...
Today on the talk radio station I listen to, the topic was the TSA. The talk show personality had been harassed over the weekend because his ticket said "Gil", but his drivers license said, "Gilbert". Lots of people had similar stories. Two really stood out:
ReplyDelete#1 A family of 4 was flying from San Diego to San Francisco. The TSA flagged the 5 year old for a more complete search. They tried to take off by himself without a parent present. The mom made a scene, so they let her come along. After emptying his Spiderman backpack, they proceeded to the bang his teddy bear on the table. Of course the 5 year old was crying and the mom asked why they were banging the teddy bear on the table. The response was, "We are checking to make sure there aren't explosives in it."
When Natalia was about 4, she was also flagged for the "special search". They also tried to take her away without me. I also put up a fuss and was allowed to go with her.
#2 A man called the program to say that his 85 year old legally blind mother had flown to the east coast for a short trip. Because she hadn't driven for some years, her drivers license had expired. TSA let her fly outbound, but now refuses to let her return. She has been there for 12 weeks. The DMV says that they can't issue a drivers license without a birth certificate. The birth certificate is in a safe deposit box, but the 85 year old doesn't remember where the key is. The bank won't help because she is not there in person to sign a paper that they need. When the family contacted the county record department, they were told that because she was so old, it would take them months to locate the birth certificate. In the meantime, the poor lady is stuck far away from home. If the story is true, it is appalling.
The TSA doesn't seem to have any common sense at all.
I remember the first time I was flying with all 3 girlies by myself to Dave's parents. It wasn't a long flight and I had flown with each of them a lot but this was a first with 3 alone. Kendie was only a few weeks/months old so that meant that I had a 4 year old and one that wasn't even two yet. I had carefully packed the diaper bag so that I would be able to get EVERYTHING I might need in there b/c carrying that AND 2 babies was a feat - all went well until we got to the gate (when I flew the 1st time w/ Addi & Emee - it was right after 9/11 and I had Emee in a Bjorn carrier - at security, they insisted I take her out but would not allow Dave that 1 step back to help me nor would they assist me!!). Anyway, at the gate, we were preboarding and apparently they randomly stamped some boarding passes (before they ever printed on them) and if yours was stamped, you had to be further searched at the gate! YEP, you guessed it - they took EVERYTHING out of my diaper bag and searched all our stuff again! Ironic thing was that the ONLY 2 people "stamped" were the 2 people that had kids & were preboarding...needless to say, there was no "pre" going on - we were the last ones on the plane!! CRAZY!!
ReplyDeleteUnbelievable. A teddy bear gets beat up, but yet people are still getting on plains with sharp objects. Now, where is the logic in that?
ReplyDeleteKay, wouldn't it have been funny if there were dirty diapers in the bag??