It has been nearly 1 1/2 years since I woke up in the hospital, deaf in one ear, and you'd think I would be completely used to it by now. Not so. And, while there are some aspects to being Single Side Deaf (SSD), there are other aspects that are strangely comforting. If you are reading this and are in the elite SSD "family", you may relate to some of my comments.
I've written before about some of the less "fun" parts of SSD. Probably the most enduring, for me, is the general sense of unease when I am in public places. It is that little element of tension that exists at all times when one of your senses is absent. It's this little twinge of always being aware that a predator could sneak up on you and you might not hear it coming. It manifests in weird ways - for example, the right side of my body is always a little stiff which comes from holding that side of my body in "high alert mode" at all times. I am much more jumpy now than I've ever been, which makes sense when you realize the fact that we are all fueled by a "fight or flight" instinct. Kind of interesting when you think about it.
But let's think for a minute about the strangely comforting aspects of being SSD. Lately I have been thinking about how comforting total silence can be. And, if you don't have some sort of fairly serious hearing impairment, you won't really probably fully appreciate this. Deafness is unlike any other type of silence. It is a complete absence of sound. I sleep with a temper-pedic type of pillow - very thick cushy foam. It does a great job of blocking out ambient and all other sound. The result is that when I sleep on my left side (which is my hearing side), I am pretty much completely deaf.
When I nestle my head down into that pillow, there is an absence of sound. I can actually feel my heart beating and in a weird sort of way, I think I can hear myself breathing - but it is not an external sound. It is all coming from within me. And, while I suppose it could be scary, I find it strangely comforting. Sirens and alarms could be blaring and I would hear --- nothing. I guess if I lived alone, this might be scary and even dangerous, but since I am usually tucked in with Willie, I just feel safe and peaceful.
Very curious to know if other hearing-challenged/SSD people experience this?
Just one more interesting experience in the post brain tumor journey...
Like you, I use my good ear on the pillow to fall asleep on. Easy. And I mean easy. I can fall asleep anywhere, as long as my good ear is plugged. Traffic? Sirens? Hurricane? Fire alarm? Yup, no problem. Just kick me when it's time to get up.
ReplyDeleteOther advantages are of course that we plug one ear, and we can ignore anything that goes on around us. Wonderful. Doing that right now with SIL in the house! God bless SSD.
Joking aside, I never experience total silence. Tinnitus can be defined as the total lack of silence. None, ever, not even when asleep. The brain 'hears' it all the time. It never gets to rest from that noise. So although I got used to the sound, the brain still hears it. I might be good at ignoring it, but Ould Brain can't. So, SSD has some really good points if I may say so, but it also brought Tinnitus to me, and that is one ugly twin to put up with. But I guess that's sort of off the subject.
That is such an interesting point, Lorenzo. Because I managed to escape tinnitis, I tend not to think about that aspect of SSD. However, I know that many people, like you, have to live with that on a daily basis. Honestly, I can't imagine what that is like. My dad has had tinnitis (and SSD) for years and he says you kind of get used to it, but I think it must still be very distracting. Have you found any help for it at all?
ReplyDeleteI'm lucky, my tinnitus is a rustling leaves type of sound, so it's relatively easy to get used to, and I have. Most of the time I'm not aware of it all, consciously. Having my hearing aid also helps a lot to mask the sound, which makes a huge difference. So tinnitus is not something i listen to most of time, unless I'm tired or stressed, then it gets louder and I certainly am aware of it! Best avoided.
ReplyDeleteSSD is unavoidable, and one of the effects I find most disturbing is the loss of directional hearing. That really bugs me, apart that it can be fairly dangerous too. Again, having the hearing aid gave me that sense back, which is why I got the HA! in the first place. Works.
I was just so overwhelmed with everything after the surgery that I didn't think much about the tinnitus...and then I guess I got used to it. I would lay in bed at night sometimes (you know my life - the only time I stopped) and wonder what that sound was. It wasn't until I got on the Forum 1.5 years ago that I realized that was what I had (dumb, naive blonde strikes again!). I do notice it more now since I know what it is, but in most cases it is not even distraction... I just know it is there!:o)
ReplyDeleteI, too, am fortunate not to suffer from tinnitus (Debbi, we are rare in this aspect) so I can relate to the total silence when I sleep on my "good" ear. However, because I'm the only adult in a single parent household - and thus am in charge of the house during the night - I rarely put my hearing ear to the pillow. My children are both sound sleepers and I'm fearful that none of us will hear a fire alarm or (God forbid) someone breaking into the house. There's also the very good possibility that we'd all sleep through our alarms in the morning. On occasion my mom spends the night (when the kids have a few days off of school, when I have to work late, etc) and I am able to afford myself the "luxury" of sleeping on my good ear. These are definitely the nights when I sleep the best. There is nothing like complete and total silence - although I have to admit I couldn't live my entire life that way. A year or two ago I started making a monthly contribution to a program my neurotologist directs that gives hearing to children born without it (basically BAHA and Cochlear implants). I decided there was no better way for me to honor my deafness than to help those with more deafness than I myself have.
ReplyDeleteYes, Jan, we are very lucky. I think we are in the minority where tinnitis is concerned. The program your neurotologist is doing is wonderful. It seems that a lot of the people in this profession give in significant ways. Mine travels to Uganda twice a year and does gratis surgeries on children, as well as teaching the medical profession down there.
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